I tried to hold out as long as I could.
I tried changing my diet, and exercising.
I tried taking a walk, being in nature and reading a book.
The only problem was that I still found myself having a little bit of a nervous breakdown on the floor of my closet about 3 times a week. And that was when I was trying to hide the crazy crying from my kids. That doesn’t count the numerous times my eyes would well up during the week when I was feeling frustrated or angry with myself or someone else.
My emotion could vary by the minute and I was starting to think I was crazy. My emotions sat at the tip of my tongue all day, every day.
I started feeling more withdrawn from people I love and I don’t have to really say (but I will anyway) that I gained about 40 pounds and have hit my highest weight including pregnancy weight.
Then, six weeks ago, I decided that I was done trying the alternative and I just did the thing that I had been avoiding. I went to my Dr. and asked for an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. He prescribed me Paxil (which I had taken when I was in high-school and helped immensely) and within 3 days I was a different person.
There is absolutely no shame in asking for help and using your resources to help you feel better. I have a genetically predisposition for mental illness (this means any kind of chemical imbalance and cannot be corrected with lifestyle changes). I have grown weary of trying to correct it myself, and the only thing I accomplish is feeling more and more like a failure whenever my endeavors didn’t work the way I wanted them to.
I can count on 2 fingers how many times I have cried in the past 6 weeks (and they were when I started talking to my therapist and it was more like two tears instead of sobbing hysterically). I am a more patient mother and wife. Even my family noticed a difference when I visited them in Utah last month. I am more in control of my emotions. And one of the things at the top of my list that has changed: My weight has stopped climbing.
I still have a lot of work to do. I am now seeing my therapist every two weeks and we are starting to work on some things (therapy is overwhelming at first because you have no idea where to start). But I am coming up with a plan to put in place very soon. But finding the right medication was a HUGE step in the right direction:)